To Grandma With Love

 By: ryan    4:38 PM  Dear Diary   No comments

My Grandma had always been more than just my Grandparent. To me, she is my second mother. She is the one who brought me up as my parent works from morning till night. She love, she care and laugh with each and everyone that she knows. She is also a person who easily gets worried and timid about small matters and on September 9th she was admitted to hospital for heart's bypass surgery.

 My granny in cute sweater!!

At first, my Grandma was in the hospital after she complaint that she has difficulties in breathing and she said her tummy was very pain. After being admitted, then only the doctor found out that she had all four arteries blocked and she need to undergo a bypass surgery asap. No one had ever expected it, as my granny never complaint she had pain on the chest nor pain on the heart. When the doctor told us the severity of it, we were told she could have it for years. She might have shown some signs but we never knew it was because of her heart. The doctor said that if she undergoes the surgery she might have more years to survive yet the worst part is the doctor said there will be 50/50 chances of surviving. We were all heartbroken after we heard about the news.  

Since then, each and every member in our big extended family, we visited her regularly. I just dunno how to pen down the feeling especially where you see her so tired and weak yet we're all helpless beside giving her motivation and cares. On the 2nd of September 2012, never ever in my family history that for the first time ever all my granny's children and grandchildren were praying for her healthy in a temple. When the service started, with the chanting echoing the temple hall, tears fill my eyes and same with all my other family members. After the prayers, we all went home to tell her that and can see granny very happy on our filial piety toward her. Soon many visitors from the temple came to visit her too and ushered her well wishes for her smooth surgery. Later that day, we throw her a dinner party where all happily eat and chat with her. We assume this is a party to encourage her for the surgery even in our heart this party might be different meaning in our heart. 

I remember every single detail of the day my granny undergoes for the surgery. The day she when into the surgery room, I choose not to be there with her instead I went to temple to pray for the operation to goes well and smooth. I knew everyone will cries as I remember very clearly my mum being push into surgery room too. I can't stand that atmosphere and feeling especially so many people there and all crying at once. I reached hospital at 11am. By the time I reached, all my relatives was resting and waiting for the surgery to be over which it took approximately about 4 hours. We all assume it gonna be ok. After check out from the ward, we all when down to the hospital lobby waiting a call from the surgeon. Then approximately 1230pm, we heard the paging where it announced "Calling for patience ......, calling for patience . ......, please proceed to the ICU". We all never expect the paging. We got panicked and rushed to the ICU unit. My hearts almost leaped out and hoping thing does not go bad. 

When we reached ICU, the receptionist greets us and asked are we guys the family members of patient ......., we said yes and she told us, "Now patient is in ICU, please go in two visitors at a time." Then to be assured, we asked her is granny ok? She said yes. Oh gosh, thank Buddha granny is ok. For now at least we know the surgery is successful.

Now it has been a week and granny finally was fit to discharge from the hospital. From now, granny will be staying in my parent's house. I truthfully hope she will get well soon and to be able to laugh and go holiday with all her loving and caring children and grandchildren.

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Make Each Day Your Masterpiece

 By: ryan    12:07 PM  Dear Diary   No comments

I never thought I will move back to the same old place after I been living in Petaling Jaya for 7 years. In fact, all through my 7 years, I told myself that moving from the busy city of PJ back into my previous place where I stayed in was really out of question.

The reason I applied for jobs around KL is that it's easier for me to travel around the place I stay and my office. I poured years into adapting PJ environment and I really love this place. I tried to made PJ as my permanent staying place but ultimately everything turned into ashes as problems started to poured in just passed April this year.

Refusing to dwell on my disappointment, I tried many ways giving excuses not to move back in there but everything keep forcing me to do so and eventually god has better plan for me.

It was now September. Everything seem from so hard into slightly better for now after the disaster kick-start on April spit me into desperation, anxiety, depression, health deterioration and worst paranoid of being left alone. Everything seem comes all the sudden out of nowhere and makes me dunno how to deals with these problems. To some, my problems looks small and silly but to me it was huge. Weeks after weeks, the will to battle it all make me really tired and I can tell you, you don want to fall into such despair dark and gloomy stage.

After a few weeks of wallowing, one fine evening while I am online searching to find some suitable quotes to post on FB, I came across this quote: "Make each day your masterpiece." I dunno why this particular sentence make me stop and think of it. All of the sudden I realized that I didn't have to be living in desperation out of someone or something that make my life miserable. I told myself I want to make my everyday a masterpiece. I taped the quote on my desk and I remind myself to get something to make it happen.

But then what did a masterpiece has to be? I pondered this question. Then I went online to search and found out that this little masterpiece doesn't limit to anything. As long as it fit into us and gives us a sign of satisfaction at the end of the day. Some of the things are like time spent on exercising, taking care of ourselves, volunteering helping others, doing something we likes, eating something we likes and something makes us happy.

I used this knowledge to organize myself since then.

I shifted my mindset and began to see my time at home being ALONE as a gift for myself this I was able to watch my favorite movies, listen to my favorite music, having no one to give you dark faces and ignoring me all the time. My role in a house no longer felt so hostile with all the me-being-second feeling and living under others shadow. Even though, I never regretted about it but as for now, I try to get used of having self-oriented environment and make myself to understand the bliss of having able to live for another day the most precious gift given to me.

Previously, I often been too busy or stressed for no reason and this really make me no time to take good care of myself like to cook healthy meals or exercising very much. Now that I able to focused in making each day a masterpiece, I carved out my time to mainly to care on my health, my lovely family members and friends around that always there to care for me and most important to get back my own spirituality and faith to religion.

I began waking up early in the morning doing some light exercise due to my heart problem. Then I prepare and bought and make myself some healthy food everyday. Trying to smile even more even I am born with a dark-face expression and start practising the power of now. Another very useful method to secure inner peace whenever you're having stress and anxiety. 

If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present. 

I managed to visits many places I liked. I even managed to do what I loves and likes. Within few days I felt stronger and more energized that I had in years. My time spend on myself became my treasured time to think and stay in touch with my inner self.

Some days weren't as balanced and goes as balanced and smooth as always. Tasks and problems still popped up unexpectedly. Not every day is a good day. But this is what enable us to create our own masterpiece in a more beautiful and meaningful way.  But no matter how hard the day planned for me by above, as I lay in bed each night, reflecting on the day, I felt a deep sense of contentment and pride in myself. After all the hardship and misfortune spitted on me from April till early now, I really  believe that "things really happen for a reason.' Looking back, having someone not appreciating yourself make me love myself even more. Moving back home is not a bad thing but perhaps is the best thing I could have done. I can spend some qualities times with those who really deserve to be cared and loves where I been neglecting all those years.

Now, I am prepared for what will happen for today, I feel focused, happier with who I am.

I was not a failure nor sad case. In fact I never had been. I didn't achive something doesn't mean I failed. I didn't manage to get the things I want doesn't mean I am a loser. I realize that now my negative mindset is what held me back more than anything. My happiness is not dependent on what other people asked me to do, wanted me to do or expect me to do. Some said that ignorance is rude but to me ignorance is bliss. The less I know the happier I become. Don't get me wrong. I care people more than I care myself just that sometimes, love yourself more before other that only you're fit to help other. My life is now much more happier when I am living by my motto and making each day a masterpiece. 

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